Life-defining Battles

Fighting my lonely battles,
With unnamed, unseen enemies,
A pain too hard to endorse,
A stifling, breathless pain,
Demanding me to quit;
I seek my dark, cozy cocoon,
Darkness begets comfort,
Alluring into more darkness….

Fighting my lonely battles
Between
An inviting, dark, comfortable, cozy cocoon
And an yearning to walk in the light;
A stifling, breathless pain,
I wage a desperate battle, with all my life,
To emerge out triumphant!

‘These fights keep me going,’
I realize
A part of the nature’s grand plan,
Like the waxing and waning of moon,
If not for these, I shall be long dead,
A nauseating, stagnant death,
I shall continue my lonely battles,
I need these battles-
Battles that define my life!

Love: Acts of Faith- Erich Segal and Darjeeling-Bharti Kirchner

It happened so that coincidentally, I read two books on “challenging women” successively. By challenging, I don’t mean the social challenges, rather the emotional challenges. I am strongly convinced that beyond the social/economical/physical challenges, womenfolk need real courage to overcome what I term as “emotional challenge”- a self-imposed challenge, egoistical, maybe, war between one’s heart and head. And as far as I have encountered with, these “Delicate” women, regardless of their history or genealogy have the courage to bear these challenges and make an epic of emotions. Two interesting characters- Deborah in “Acts of Faith” by Erich Segal and Sujatha in “Darjeeling” by Jeff Koelher. Both these women fell in love with the man who won their hearts, both were deported to distant lands for different reasons. 

Deborah has always been concerned about the lack of womenness in sermons, belongs to the Jewish Rabi Luria family, and falls in love with catholic Timothy, who is orphaned and parentless as of then. He is engaged with blowing off lights on Sabbath day in Deborah’s and her neighborhood. When their affair comes to light to the Luria’s, they decide to send their lovely daughter off to Israel- a sort of captivity. Deborah’s love for Timothy only grew with time and distance, as did Timothy’s for Deborah. Inspite of their increasing reputations and the imposition of laws, each carried the other in themselves, the barriers to break them notwithstanding. That was love, that flowed like a castle of water in all its strength and vigor and enriched the energy in each other for each other. This, to me, is the truest of love- love for soulmate. It energizes, vitalizes, dares to accomplish anything for the sake of the loved. It can be beautifully seen in Deborah’s sensitivity not to inform Tim of their newborn, for the concern of not wanting to stand between his career. The pain of concealment did not bother the bold-hearted, for she wanted not to distract Tim of his priesthood. A painless, yet painful responsibility, for when her son is complained of the “lack of masculine touch” at school and the clinic, she only decides to go back to her adopted in-laws and not bark at tim. Tim, on the other hand, takes every opportunity to discover Deborah after their parting. The journeys with Daniel (Deborah’s understanding brother) that he relishes the most, be even for a few minutes, he took the discourse of the conversation towards “learning” Deborah. The Deborah-timothy love is the “love of the soul”, “love of the hearts”- what not? They were truly engrossed with each other, no materials, no show-off, no hidden intents.

Contrary to that, the love between Sujatha and Pranab had, if not malevolic, serious intentions. For Sujatha, it was a need to outsmart her envied sister Aloka- the lovely, tenderhearted Aloka- the beloved of papa and Nina Thakurma. The relationship begins itself as a show-off, as Sujatha “prepares” herself to meet Pranab in the living room, in Aloka’s absence. Every time, she plans to meet him, she does so with an extra care about her appearance. That was a cooked, crooked love- not the love that flows naturally. Years of longingness- yes! Though Pranab risks his marriage to Aloka for Sujatha, though neither of them is filled with cherished moments of time spent with each other, there isn’t a sincere, sacrificial, unexpected love. This is evident when Sujatha gets bored of Pranab a decade later, and denies his proposal for marriage. I would say, she only loved his brave-hearted dynamism, and the dances he displayed, than she loved him. Whereas, for Pranab, it was Gupta’s daughter, and not Sujatha, that he wanted. Evidently, he impressed both of Gupta’s daughters and shattered the peace between the two. This is not characteristic of “love”. It does not hamper peace, rather it abounds in peace and extends itself to the environment around- the mark of Deborah-Tim!!

 - Written in late 2006 at 904 JW 91

BOOK: BEFORE WE VISIT THE GODDESS

Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni- My favorite author. She ladles my emotions and mostly unseen creativity with her words. Never has it been possible to shove away her book midway, never have her characters moved past me long after completion. My most favorite of her is 'The Palace of Illusions'- her portrayal of the relationship between Karna and Panchali- for that alone, I adore her. This closely ranks second.

As always, I was impatient to read the initial few pages. The narration was shifting between times, and for someone as me who had began reading after nearly 3 years, it was difficult to comprehend. Yet, as I persevered, it was every bit THAT tantalizing.

Sabitri, Bela and Tara- their (non)-relationship between three generations of women, and how their relationships are largely influenced by the men of their lives. Sabitri yearns for an education, ensures Bela receives it. But love lures Bela into running out of the country without her mother's knowledge and consent, ofcourse, dropping out of college. Sabitri is torn by this separation, much more by her daughter's deceit. Her relationship with Bipin Babu, rather his relation to Sabitri. How despite all these ordeals and despite Bipin's insistence, she reinforces her stand of living alone. The scene where Durga Sweets is vandalized by Naxals and their immediate conversations are a class apart.

Bela: How her innocent narration of a truth distanced her mother and dad. How Sabitri blames her for something she does not even realize. While she realizes and yearns for her mother post marriage in the US, she is mostly influenced by her husband- Sanjay - the only villian, if i may say so, of the novel. How he tries hard to keep Tara, their daughter, out of her. How every action of his has an ulterior motivation. How a bitter unannounced divorce tears her apart and how she picks up herself post divorce with the help of Ken-the boy who stayed right above her apartment. Her weight loss episodes and her taking to writing culinary books are an inspiration. Although a small part, Ken's characterization is very integral to the raise of Bela from shambles. If only every disastrous life had an upliftment as Ken!!!!

Tara: The girl who had to undergo a surge of happiness to the valley of disaster post her parent's divorce. As much as I would resent girls her age behave the way she does, at every instant she had my sympathy. Caught between the melodrama of her mother and manipulations of her father, she makes up for everything she was denied with, being a Kleptomaniac. The near death encounter with Dr Venkatachalapathi and her visit to the temple with Dr V were God's directions to her- a reinforcement of faith that howmuchsoever you may waver from the destined path, your strings are with GOD and He/She will ensure you are back on the track.

All the three women rose from ashes with near death encounters. If it was her husband's death and winning the case over her deceased husband's  organization for Sabitri that led her to Durga Sweets- the sweet stall she names after her dead mother, it was the unexpected divorce for Bela and her rise to being the best selling author of two culinary books. For Tara, it is her ability to build her family after her near encounter with death following a failed relationship and an abortion.

And, what a way to end an epic.

"a new recipe I had perfected, the sweet I would go on to name after my dead mother. I took a bite of the conch-shaped dessert, the palest, most elegant mango color. The smooth creamy flavor of fruit and milk, sugar and saffron mingled and melted on my tongue. Satisfaction overwhelmed me. This was something I had achieved by myself, without having to depend on anyone. No one could take it away. That's what I want from you, my Tara, my Bela. That's what it means to be a fortunate lamp"

To say the book enthralled me is an understatement.  One interesting observation about CBD's women are the lack of sainthood with which she paints her characters. Be it the sisters of 'Sisters of the heart' or the most celebrated Panchali of 'The palace of illusions' or Sabitri, Bela and Tara of 'Before we visit the Goddess'- all these women have their own share of sins. Either situation driven, or deceit driven or age driven- all these women have a thread of sin connecting them- sin, a very innate nature of humanhood. For Sabitri it was to avenge the insult she was subjected to. for Bela, it was the nonacceptance of cruelty (that her tenants were subjected to). For Tara, it was all those 'so near, yet so far' persons/things/happiness that she was denied. I retrospected my own life with respect to my sins and began understanding myself in a new dimension after this book.

Hide and Seek

My late teens and early twenties were spent dreaming. Dreaming of making a social impact- from a very young age, I was drawn to and aspired to teach. Along the way, I earned a fair share of friends who shared similar aspirations. We even had an evening school set up. Those were the days when my only grouse was ‘MONEY’. Thanks to some of the philanthropic, overseas friends, it came streaming- we got what we required. I remember I used to squirm at the prospect of ‘asking’, even if it were for a purpose. There was so much we did without money- like setting up a library with used books from friends and colleagues, gardening without the need for hosepipes (one of our student made a perfect canal of sand from the tap to all the plants, without the need for hosepipe-I was stunned at this, to see what they could do given the opportunity-today, he would be sitting uninterested in an academic institution that does not churn his creativity). Today, I might have some money- but I don’t have the wherewithal to contribute. I don’t FEEL the essence- to see transformation-even if it were an invisible iota of change- before my eyes. Most of my friends, including me, who shared such aspirations are today, wailing in a quagmire of life- of family, of commitments, of never ending EMIs, of never ending savings.

Life did play hide and seek- earlier, we didn’t have the financial, political backing, today we are caught in other commitments. The only wisdom that has shone through life is that- if I need to DO something, I need not wait for any milestones to start-Start immediately. Things will start falling in place. What adds value is my discipline, my commitment, my conviction- not the money, not the materials, not some imagined milestones.

-A loud thinking.

Exhibitionism

This world thrives on exhibitionism. Fancying in the name of marketing, everyone runs a race to exhibit oneself- Whatever one has, whatever one has not, whatever one is, whatever one is not. There are such loud noises and the ones making such noises are being pampered, exemplified, adored, awarded- what not?! At the end of it all, everyone is only an island. It does not matter who ushers you forward, it does not matter where you reach- all that matters is ONLY what your soul is at every instant, and how it is protected against all odds, all races!

இறைவன் ஒரு தேர்ந்த ரசிகன்

புளிப்பு என்றொரு சுவை- மனிதன் நிர்ணயித்த சுவை,

எனினும்,

புளியில் ஒரு புளிப்பு;

மாங்காயில் ஒரு புளிப்பு;

நெல்லியில் ஒரு புளிப்பு;

எலுமிச்சையில் ஒரு புளிப்பு;

நார்த்தையில் ஒரு புளிப்பு;

திராட்சையில் ஒரு புளிப்பு

என வகையாய்ப் புளிப்பு வைத்து

மஞ்சள் என்றொரு நிறம்- மனிதன் பெயரிட்ட நிறம்

எனினும்,

மஞ்சளில் ஒரு மஞ்சள்;

தேனில் ஒரு மஞ்சள்;

பழங்களில் ஒரு மஞ்சள்;

தங்கம் ஒரு மஞ்சள்;

இளங்காலை மஞ்சள்;

முதிர்ந்த இலையின் மஞ்சள்

என வகையாய் மஞ்சள் வைத்து

ரசித்து ரசித்து உலகைப் படைத்த இறைவன் ஒரு தேர்ந்த ரசிகனே!

எனினும், இத்தனையும் படைத்து மனிதனையும் படைத்தானே?!

முரண்

கதை சொலல் எனக்கு மிகவும் பிடித்த அனுபவம். அனுபவித்து, உருவகித்துக் குழந்தைக்குக் கதை சொல்லும் போது, குழந்தையின் கண் உருட்டல்களும், முக பாவனைகளும் காண அலாதியாய் இருக்கும்.  கருத்துக்கள், வாழ்க்கைப் பாடங்கள் சொல்லிக் கொடுக்க அருமையான தளம், கதைகள். ஆகையால், என் மகனுக்கு விபரம் புரிய ஆரம்பித்தது முதல் கதை சொல்லி வருகிறோம். போன வாரத்தில் ஒரு நாள் பேராசை பெரும் நஷ்டம் என நெறிக் கூறும் கோழி தங்க முட்டை இட்ட கதை. 

“ஒரு ஊரில ஒரு farmer தாத்தாவும், பாட்டியும் சின்ன தோட்டம் வெச்சி, அதுல எல்லா fruits, vegetables, baby chicken, baby ducks, cows, goat எல்லாம் வளத்தாங்கலாம். ஒரு நாள் தாத்தா பாட்டி கிட்ட, ‘நான் market போய்ட்டு வர்றேன்’ னு சொல்லிட்டுக் கெளம்பினாறாம். பாட்டி, ‘நானும் வர்றேன் தாத்தா’ னு சொன்னாங்க. சரின்னு தாத்தா சொல்ல, தாத்தாவும் பாட்டியும் market க்கு போனாங்க. அங்க நெறைய things இருந்தது. சில கடைல காய்கறி, சில கடைல பழங்கள், சில கடைல ஆடு, மாடு, கோழிக் குஞ்சு எல்லாம் இருந்தது. கொழந்தைங்க வெளயாட்ரதுக்கு ராட்டினம், ஊஞ்சல் எல்லாம் கூட இருந்தது. பாட்டிக்கும், தாத்தாவுக்கும் அந்த மார்கெட் ரொம்ப பிடிச்சிருந்தது. சந்தோசமா சுத்தி வந்தாங்க. அப்டி வரும்போது பாட்டி ஒரு baby chick பாத்தாங்க. Golden color feathers ஓட பாக்கவே அழகா இருந்தது.” சொல்லிட்டு இருக்கும்போது அவன் இடைமறித்தான், “அம்மா, Golden color இல்ல, gold and silver color”. “OK da, gold and silver color feathers. பாட்டி, தாத்தா கிட்ட, ‘தாத்தா, இந்த baby chick ரொம்ப அழகா இருக்குது. எனக்கு ரொம்ப பிடிச்சிருக்கு, நம்ம இத வீட்டுக்கு கூட்டிட்டுப் போய், வளக்கலாமா’ னு கேட்டாங்க. தாத்தாவும் ok சொல்லிட்டு, அத 2௦௦௦ ரூபாய் குடுத்து வாங்கிட்டாங்க. ரெண்டு பெரும் மம்மு சாப்டு, கோழிக் குஞ்சிய கூட்டிட்டு வீட்டுக்கு போனாங்க.

பாட்டி அந்த குஞ்சிய ரொம்ப செல்லமா வளத்தாங்க. Daily, grains, worms, seeds எல்லாம் போட்டு, அத regular ஆ clean பண்ணி, பாசமா பாத்துக்கிட்டாங்க. chick big-ஆ, big-ஆ வளந்துட்டே இருந்தது. ஒரு Monday அந்த chick ஒரு egg lay பண்ணுச்சு. பாட்டி அந்த egg-அ எடுத்துப் பார்த்து, பயங்கரமா surprise ஆகிட்டாங்க. அது golden color ல இருந்தது. இல்ல, அதோட feathers மாதிரியே, gold and silver color ல இருந்தது. பாட்டி அந்த egg எடுத்திட்டுத் தாத்தா கிட்ட போய் காமிச்சாங்க. தாத்தாவும் happy ஆகிட்டாங்க. பாட்டிக்கிட்டக் குடுத்து, பத்ரமா எடுத்து வெக்க சொன்னாங்க. பாட்டியும் பத்ரமா எடுத்து வெச்சிட்டாங்க. அப்புறம், Tuesday, அந்த கோழி another egg lay பண்ணுச்சு. அதுவும் gold and silver color ல இருந்தது. திரும்பவும் பாட்டியும், தாத்தாவும் ரொம்ப happy ஆகிட்டாங்க. இப்டியே Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday னு daily அந்த chick ஒரு egg lay பண்ணுச்சு. எல்லா egg உம் gold and silver color ல இருந்துச்சு. பாட்டிக்கும், தாத்தாவுக்கும் என்ன செய்றதுன்னே தெரில. பாட்டி தாத்தாகிட்ட மெதுவா, ‘இந்த chick daily ஒரு gold and silver egg lay பண்ணுதே, நம்ம இத கட் பண்ணிட்டா, எல்லா gold and silver egg-உம் நமக்கு ஒரே நாள்-ல கெடச்சிரும்ல’ அப்டின்னு சொன்னாங்க. தாத்தாவும் ‘ok’ னு சொல்லிட்டாங்க...” இங்கு ஒரு tension நிலவியது. அழ ஆரம்பித்தான். “Cut பண்ண வேண்டாம், chick பாவம், cut பண்ண வேண்டாம்” னு ஒரு அழுகை. “இல்லைடா, cut பண்ண மாட்டாங்க, அவங்க பாசமா வளர்த்தக் குஞ்சு தானே, அத எப்டி cut பண்ணுவாங்க” னு சொல்லி சமாதானப் படுத்தினேன்.

ஆக, நான் ஒரு நெறிக் கூற எத்தனிக்க, அவன் எனக்குப் பாடம் கற்பித்தான். குழந்தைகளை நாம் வளர்ப்பது இல்லை. அவர்களை, அவர்களுடைய களங்கமற்றக் குழந்தைத் தன்மையைத் தக்க வைத்து, இந்த உலகத்தையும் அறிமுகப்படுத்தி வைப்பது தான் பெற்றவர்களுடைய தலையாயக் கடமை என்பது மீண்டும் அறிவுறுத்தப் பட்டேன்.