புலம்பெயர்ந்தவர்: கானல் நீர்

புவியால் கைவிடப்பட்டு,
மேகங்களாலும் நிராகரிக்கப்பட்டு,
ஒரு இலையேனும் சொந்தம் கொள்ளாது,
காற்றில் தத்தளிக்கும் நீர்த்துளி நான்!
மீண்டும் மீண்டும் உயிர்த்தெழுகிறேன்:
மலையெனக் கனக்கும் கானல் நீரைச் சுமந்தபடியே,
மேகத்தையும் தரையையும் இணைக்கும் இழையைத் தேடி!
நைந்த  என் ஏக்கத்தைத் தைக்கும் சிறு நூலாவது கிட்டுமா?

[Gratitude 9] The subtle moment when an acquaintance becomes a bestie

Paati's arrival in here and the times we spent together were brief, but profound. 

I had always held her with high admiration.  I first met her in 1995, when we were both XII Std students. In the math tuition in the house of AK, located in the narrow lane behind the railway tracks. As a kid lacking confidence, I assumed everybody was well placed intellectually - but, I did talk a lot during those times. Paati was one of those unassuming girls who struck a lovely conversation with me. She would glide in her Sunny, much like Kisu. I had not even learnt the art of riding a bicycle - so everyone of them was awe inspiring to me. I remember admiring her confidence, her teeth and her charming smile. When she smiled, she smiled with her face that glowed from her soul.

Then we lost tracks, although Kisu continuously kept in contact. We became FB friends in 2011/12, when I texted Paati with admiration. Once when I posted excerpts from books on FB for a brief period of time, Paati got hooked. I still remember her commenting about the similarity of our choices, esp when I quoted, "The God of Small Things". Then, I read snippets of little Ara and her conversations with the baby. Smitten. 

Kisu kept quoting Paati once a while. When I was lost in my world of tribulations, Paati had apparently gone through hell. When Paati published her book during the pandemic, Kisu referred me for a poetry session - and it was so beautiful to reconnect. This poem on diary was written to be read at one of her sessions for the then published book rain diary. I also got an opportunity to rave about Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni and her book 'Before we visit the Goddess'. What began as a 3 min discussion on the book extended to about 10min. 

Since then, we have had very fragmented conversations - mostly one way, as I responded to her blogposts and such. Early this year, we had a short phone call on starting the Calm Pages Club. Although we met sporadically, I was apprehensive about my fit in the group and was always a tad bit hesitant, although my intent was to gel with the group - a group of women, who read and cherish life for what it is!

In Aug 2025, we were collating prompts and were planning the book. One Friday, Paati pinged me with a short text seeking help. I was brimming - what pleasure to help. Understood through calls that she would be traveling to Sg the following week and sought help with the trip plans. What a pleasure?! And we met that Saturday, Sep 5. Her cousin dropped her at our place and we began our chats. We made 1000 plans for the Sunday, before her conference in the evening. She was to leave home on Monday evening. 

She was like the wizard with an invisible cloak and wand who granted everyone of Kutta’s secret wishes. The air of ease with which she held her repute while accommodating Kutta’s umpteen fancies was a delight to watch. While she had just entered home, Kutta nagged to be taken to the playground. There was an understanding nod and admission of his nag. He left hastily with a meek hello. When he returned home, he was greeted to the lovely wall portraits of the bird photographs. The kingfisher and the Himalayan Monal. In a wink of the eye, he brought down his frame of bird feathers and replaced it with the Monal. She immediately called her SW, a testimony of the reverence to the masterpiece. The style with which she brought the bubble wrapped frames into the home itself was a sight to behold! Only some people could unleash this ability to hook our admiration for every single move of theirs, whatever little they do - in style. In elegance. In the internalised respect they render to the being. Rajnikanth. Paati. Although I am not a fan of the former because I haven’t met him close personally, I am indeed an admirer of the latter.

We had our dinner and gently obeyed every request of Kutta. On to the rooftop garden. She was thrilled to see her younger version in Kutta, as he cycled around the garden to build the community of planters. She exhumed warmth and joy in the simplest acts. That added a new dimension of profundity. In a world that always sees beyond and is ever hungry for more, here is the rare ability to add meaning to the gaps - the in-betweens. The courage and assertiveness with which to hold fort - all the conformism be damned! She then suggested going around for a little shopping. I was smitten by the tiny stuff that drew her attention - SE Asian noodles, some yoghurt, and the likes. She suggested we go on a walk. We hit the 24 hr McDonalds and munched on fries, ice cream and junk - giving in to simple pleasures. Returned home late to her claiming, “Look Kutta! Just like that we have stayed awake late into the night. And have gone on a long walk”. That’s when I even realise the levitation - a chance encounter request was so formidably, adorably granted. 

After a restful night, we woke up in the morning and she demanded a house tour - an unusual request in the house. She went through the Lego displays and with great intent and enthusiasm, asked several question - what a rare encouragement for a rare passion?! Although averse to furry animal, she entertained Kutta’s love for the hamster.  

We took a trip to the NLB. The excitedly animated Paati almost squealed in delight looking at the ocean of books. Picked up 'The Book of Form of Happiness' on her recommendation. She suggested we go to pick a pair of Sketchers. On the way, we stopped by Tim Horton's as the diva pampered herself to the simple Cappucino. Little did I know that that was going to banish the lines that mark our boundaries. Only a few people can carry themselves in a vulnerable dignity - she embodied that in style as she shared anecdotes that let me sneak into the secret chamber of the unbridled gash. A vulnerable dignity that screams, "I trust you to my nirvana" and silently emboldens the listener to uncover themself. What a phenomenal moment that was. A beautiful moment that will be stashed in my trust memory. 

Post this, we did visit the Sketchers, picked a pair of unusual beige shoes for her and returned home. Surprised to see Kutta awaiting at the lift threshold in his kutty bike to lead us home. Unceremoniously, out of the customary, he was holding his hunger to share the meal with his most favourite paati. I am immensely grateful for that love. For building that embracing love with a otherwise hesitant, otherwise not so intimate 11-year old. 

As the father-son duo were busy watching a movie, we sneaked into the bedroom. And continued to unravel our most vulnerable moments, tearing up for each other, holding each other, hugging each other, respecting each other - the profound moment of humane unearthing. 

And we continued to roam together - feeling like Adam and Eve before the discovery of their nakedness, holding eather's heart carefully, most tenderly, as the most valuable treasure they are meant to be! 

Heres a rejoicingly tearful cheers for many years of this upholding. Love you, Paati!

Tesla Poetry

What a beautiful way to put it. Thinking of it, these are all theories: gravitational theory, electromagnetic theory etc. Varying school of thoughts- need not necessarily be true, need not necessarily be the only path. They may be counterfactual, to each other, to reality. But they represent the extent of human imagination. Lovely! 

Ocean and Waves

 I closely observe your birth from the depths,
Cresting towards the Sun
And sinking towards your depth;
Roaring and whispering,
Glimmering gold at dawn
Shimmering silver by the dusk;
Ephemeral rushing to the shore 
Impulsive urge to withdraw;
All the while feeding in your depths
And garbaging at your surface.

I reflect on my:
Birth from the dark depths;
Indecisive alternating between mind and brain;
Constant oscillation between greed and gratefulness;
Perpetual motions of giving and receiving;
Baring it all, flooding with expressions,
But gated by the dams of ego;
All amidst a reflexive:
Inhaling of air,
Exhaling of dust and particles

Its an epiphany:
The apparently audible duality of life
In all forms,
In all of nature,
In all of universe.
“I” do exist- but only as a scratch on the surface.

Days at the Morisaki Bookshop

In Japanese: Satoshi Yagasawa

Translated to English: Eric Ozawa

Publisher: Harper Perennial

Important Characters: Uncle Satoru, Tomo, Takako, Takano, Sabu, Tomo, Hideaki, Murano

Quotable Quotes

It’s important to stand still sometimes. Think of it as a little rest in the long journey of your life. This is your harbour. And your boat is just dropping anchor here for a little while. And after you’re well rested, you can set sail again.

Human beings are full of contradictions.

No matter where you go, or how many books you read, you still know nothing, you haven’t seen anything. And that’s life. We live our lives trying to find our way. Its like that Santoka Taneda poem the one that goes, “On and on, in and in, and still the blue green mountains

She and I have the same way of looking at things. It’s what brought us together, and I think it’s also the reason we split up. We met in the middle of the journey and we fell in love. But that doesn’t mean that we’ll be always traveling together. At some point, everyone has to find their safe harbour. 

The act of seeing is no small thing. To see something is to be possessed by it. Sometimes it carries off a part of you, sometimes it’s your whole soul - Motojiro Kajii’s Landscapes of the Heart.

Quote from the book, “Confessions of a husband”: My boat travels lightly, drifting aimlessly at the mercy of the current. 

The idea of this child growing uo, experiencing so many things for the first time, absorbing so much- all of it brought me as much joy as if it were happening to me. It was time to stop shutting myself up in a cage. IT was time to get moving, to look around and learn what I could from it all. Time to go in search of a place where I belonged, a place where I could say with confidence that I felt right. All the trips I went on, all the books I read, were the consequences of that decisions. In other words, Takako, meeting you led me to that epiphany.

After all that time, I came back here. That’s when I finally realised it wasn’t just a question of where I was. It was about something inside me. No matter where I went, no matter who I was with, if I could be honest with myself, then there is where I belonged. By the time I realised that, half my life was over. So I went back to my favourite harbor and I decided to drop anchor.

It made me realise once again that none of those things had ever been resolved. I had just tossed it all aside, waiting for my memories to fade away over time. But even though six months had gone by, just hearing his voice for a moment had left me all churned up inside. I understood at last that none of my problems had been solved. The trouble was still there

You need to get this off your chest. If not, the ghost of this thing will haunt you forever.

There’s one thing I want you to promise me. Don’t be afraid to love someone. When you fall in love, I want you to fall in love all the way. Even if it ends in hearache, please don’t live a lonely life without love. I’ve been so worried that because of what happened you’ll give up on falling in love. Love is wonderful. I don’t want you to forget that. Those memories of people you love, they never disappear. They of on warming your heart as long as you love. When you get old like me, you’ll understand. 

You just fit in so well in the store that I wanted to let you be. It was almost like that moment when you’re watching a butterfly coming out of it chrysalis, and you’re holding your breath, and you want to keep on watching… 

If I had never gone to the shop, I’d still be living my life in a daze. I met so many people there, and I learned so many things, and of course, there were all of the books I discovered. I feel like I finally learned to see something a tiny bit valuable within myself. That’s why  I know that I’ll never forget the days I spent at the bookshop.

I guess that’s just what it’s like being young. You’re always carrying around a lot of luggage.

Days at the Morisaki Bookshop-misc.

Japanese authors to try and relish

• Ryunosuke Akutagawa
  
• Soseki Natsume
• Ogai Mori
• Junichiro Tanizaki
• Naoya Shiga
• Koji Uno
• Osamu Dazai
• Haruo Sato
• Kafu Nagai
• Faulkner
• Capote
• Updike
• Takehiko Fukunaga 
• Kazui Ozaki 
• Taisho era 
• showa era
• meiji era
• Until the death of the girl by Saisei Muro
• Schoolgirl by Osamu Dazai
• Taruho Inagaki
• Doppo Kunikida
• Naoe Kinoshita, Confessions of a husband
• Mount mitake

[Gratitude 8] kindness

 Yesterday was the round 2 badminton match. Unfortunately, you had lost 3 matches in round 1. I am anxious about your every loss, while you always take it in stride.  I insist that you learn your lessons from failure - you are young and don't have to always be on the learning curve you can just be, but I'm impatient and anxious, all the time. 

Day before yesterday before sleeping, you remarked, "I need to somehow win tomorrow". You were supposed to play 4 matches. All singles. Match 1: you made many outs. And I screamed your name in the middle of the match. After the match, you came to me and politely said that my name calling made you nervous. I understood and avoided watching the subsequent matches because I don't want to heap it upon you. 

At the end of every match, you call me up to inform your win. It's so cute. At the end of match 2, the other boys in your court (supposedly competitors) were discussing- one guy told me pointing at you, "he will get the gold". I replied, "we can't decide that now, he has to play 2 more matches. Regardless of who gets the gold, everyone  playing here is gold.". He smiled. And they continued conversation among themself. 

I didn't witness you playing match #3 or  match #4. As I got news of your win in #4, against the aggressive player, I walked in behind the cardboard screens. You came running to me and announced your win. I walked over to your court and the two boys were stilll clapping and cheering for you. Apparently one of them is the younger brother of your aggressive opponent. He was all glee cheering your win. 

Dear kutta: this is the precious lesson to remember. People may forget what you did or achieved- (I can't name Olympic winners or novel prize winners, save a few), but t they'll be drawn to your kindness and will cheer for what they are drawn towards. Be the magnet that attracts all goodness and goodwill. Emerge as the leader you were born to be. 

2K 25 Reunion

A bunch of caterpillars

Traversed from afar off

To a tiny unpopular pasture:

Entered as novices,

To be trained by no-vices;

Explored the pasture

Crawling from corners to corners:

Lengthwise, breadthwise, diagonal

Shouldering each other,

Trampling over each other,

Sometimes standing over another's shoulder,

To see the world near and beyond.

After supposedly having been trained,

They set out on a journey,

Far and beyond:

Wiggling through crevices 

Wagging their tails,

Fighting their way through

Building their cocoon,

Transforming inside out

They look back at their journey

And yearn for the pasture:

The pasture that allowed them be,

The pasture that gave a piece of freedom

The pasture that let them grow

The pasture that quietly groomed them 

They returned to that green

Feeling younger and replenished 

Shedding away the iron column

That had built into themselves

Becoming more flexible,

For it's the only place

That's devoid of judgements,

Devoid of responsibilities,

Where one can just be.

[Gratitude 7] Peace

 Had a early morning wake up. My first thought of the day was, "What is the purpose of my life? What should I be doing instead of rambling and loitering across like this? It's like cattle grazing - I try this, I try that to eventually not get deeper into anything. This seems so characteristic of me that I find it completely impossible to focus on one thing and make remarkable progress in a direction."

Then came thoughts about the recent backbite - the harshest of them all. I am thankful for the backbite in 2019, as the undercurrents of this river seems bearable as I have crossed that stream. While I can be thankful, I am left with a lingering question - what do backbites serve? What is the purpose of this in the first place?

To evade these thoughts, I begin binge watching - tried movies and closed up, tried some YT and closed up, then tried HeartBeat and completed 4 episodes. Well, it was early morning by that time and had to get to regular routine subsequently.

This had tired me ssso badly, so I hit the bed around 12. Was worried about an inevadable sleep, but I closed out all digital devices and it helped. I dozed off a bit, with an amla in hand. After a phenomenally long time, had a vivid dream - with 19-A RP Street as the venue. 

I am seated on the floor in the kitchen, beside the cement bench that holds the pots of water. Food is being served and all three RP daughters are seated, only 1 attends with family. 1 beings provoking, and I silently munch my food. 1 keeps provoking with overpouring support and I maintain my silence. Frustrated, 1 beats her dress unsuccessfully. Later, 2 gets provoked and replies - a little while later I chide her, which is noticed by 1's heir. 

I don't raise my head to see any of 1's family. This continues, and unsuccessful, 1 makes a loud remark and lies down on the bed in the hall, covering herself in bedsheet. I leave with my bags to CBE - nobody accompanies me. Initially I go to the town bus stand. With no bus in sight, I look at my watch and it is already 9PM. I decide to take the private bus and walk my way across through the alleys - and am not able to locate the bus stand. 

As the alley is too dark, I walk through a housing quarters - well-painted, individual concrete houses scattered in all directions, but an enveloping circumference of common space/foyer with steps that raise up to the adjacent road. It was a sight to behold. I am multi-emotional: anxiety of finding the bus in time, awe of the housing colony/quarters, heaviness of the bag. I saw myself in aeriel view here and I look so energetic though. I spot someone (probably VNV) talking short strides in the foyer holding a baby, probably, attempting to make the baby sleep. As soon as he sees me, he enquires after me, invites me home. I walk into their home and spend a very little happy time there. Then, we walk together to find the bus aisle - I hear the sound of horn and follow it, to eventually, find the bus. Thankfully, the bus hadn't left and I board the bus. 

With this dream, I woke up. I realize the need to be silent. If they make loud remarks and win, so be it. No amount of fighting, no amount of proving would help. Just remain silent. Atleast peace remains.

[Gratitude 6] The warmth of strangers

Had been to the public administration office. It was a joy to see the document delivered by a mechanical robot. Before my smile could vanish, I was enthralled by the conversation with the woman officer. 

"Which part of India are you from?"

"Tamilnadu"

"Oh! Tamilnadu? எனக்கு சூர்யா மாப்பிள்ளையா வேணும்"

I was much amused by this. And she continues

"Anney, roti prata குடுங்க"

Finally, she hands over my document and goes, "மிக மகிழ்ச்சி."

I'm even more impressed and tell her, "of all days, I'm glad that I'm being invited by this warmth. I'm particularly glad that I received this root document from you".

That's when she reveals, "I learn a few statements in the national languages. It doesn't take a huge effort, but it makes people of other ethnicities more comfortable and more welcoming."

What a beautiful soul! Thank God for this heart of warmth and embrace. 

[Gratitude 5] Freedom to shut down people

 I thank God for the freedom to shut down people who are causing a heartburn, who are revelling in negativity, who try to pull me down with their baseless allegations. 

Repent, for the Kingdom of God is near

[Gratitude 4] New beginnings

பழையன கழிதலும் புதியன புகுதலும். 

Also be referred as

பழையனவை கழித்தலும் புதியனவிற்குள் புகுதலும்.

Thank God for little  mercies 

[Gratitude 3] Spreading joy at workplace

July 23 and 24 were such painful days for me. I was so very upset. This year has been a year of shedding. My skin is being peeled off and I am.being taught to rely completely on the Lord. Hope I learn the art.

After having spent several sleepless nights, the fatigue was taking a toll on me. My sciatica was getting worse with more sleeplessness.  I wanted to physically tire my body to see if sleep embraces me. 

I left workplace and rambled around the one north area until I reached JP around 8pm. Even then I wanted to walk more. So I called up home to check if I can buy some Japanese desserts. I stopped by the mochi outlet - that's where my treasure for the day lay. 

Two employees- both of them examplary of cheerfulness were spreading such cheer just by their presence. The dessert I had ordered was to be made fresh. I was asked to wait. I waited to only see more smiles and more cheers. It was such a joy to witness the fish shaped dessert being made from glutinous rice batter. More so was the cheerful camaraderie between the two girls. When I requested to take a pic of them, they refused. Yet, I got my energy for the day. Returned back home to a restful sleep. 

Thank God for the little mercies!

Lots of love to the Lord and the universe. 

[Gratitude 2] The gift on a birthday

 This happened last month on my birthday. Although I've claimed to not celebrate my birthday, it brings me joy when near and dear ones make me feel special. 

This year, I had a long meeting and returned home a tad late. As I gently push the grey door of my apartment inwardly, I was drenched in a flower shower. Much to my joy, much to my surprise. What mattered most was that the thoughtful creative kutta had picked flowers from the adjacent park, placed them in a disposable transparent container and taped it to the doortop. So, when I pushed open, the box tilted downwards drenching me in flowers. My lovely sweetu. 

As I revel in this surprise, he nudges me to prepare for a ceremonial cake cutting with a twist- as I don't eat artificial sugar, he says he has prepared a special drink for me, and he offers a glass covered with a tiny plate that has raisins and nuts on the rim. I keep reminding that I don't eat sugars. He is relentless in his pursuit. As i pick the glass, I get drenched in the glass of water as he has used science to his advantage. I am thrilled - this was a real show!

That was for a few minutes, but he made me feel like a princess. Thanking the Universe for blessing me with a gem of a boy. The world is beautiful

[Gratitude 1] Laziness as a choice

 Grateful for this day. Had been pretty down the past couple of days after the blames and the allegations - felt disowned and totally thrown out. 

Today was a pretty day - Woke up very late, cozying up to Kutta. Had the brief call with A's and then breakfast for Kutta - surprisingly, today's pancakes were perfectly shaped and looked lovely.

Both of us tried the dissection poetry prompts and boy! I was amused at how beautiful it turned out to be!

I chose to laze throughout the day and declared it to the duo. Then, watched neeya naana, learnt the rubix tricks from Kutta and then we went for lunch at the hotpot - lovely choice of soups (kimchi with lamb was great). 

Watering the planter was a breezy experience.

Came home for an oilbath and omelette for dinner.

Just sitting lazily to allow the bad mood to slip by before I can realize it. To choose to be lazy when i want to, is a luxury! I am thankful for that.

Whimsical 29: Dissection and the beauty of life

 Inspired by the poem 'Help' by Shel Silverstein shared by a member of the Calm Pages club, I shared this poem on Dissection that I had written in 2023. The club discussed about this poem very excitedly, and we had an online session on this. To gather thoughts of such beautiful souls, I created a Fasano style prompt with help from ChatGPT and here is the prompt:

There was a time I believed all words were __________.

Even __________ felt like a __________ I could carry

without cutting my hands. But then I spoke __________,

and it did not sound like __________, but like __________,

echoing in the hollow of my chest.

Beauty could mean __________,

the kind that __________ and never __________,

but I saw it once in __________, wild and unshaped,

and I knew then that beauty could also mean __________.

So why do we keep carving things

to fit a shape they never asked for?

When I press too deep into a __________ ,

into a __________ , into a __________ ,

am I __________,

or am I only __________?

By dissection, is __________ ,

Or is __________.

Kutta and I tried our hands at this prompt and this is the result:

There was a time I believed all words were tender.

Even knives felt like a cushion I could carry

without cutting my hands. But then I spoke sharply,

and it did not sound like paradise, but like flames,

echoing in the hollow of my chest.

Beauty could mean untouched,

the kind that is pure and never known,

but I saw it once in nature, wild and unshaped,

and I knew then that beauty could also mean adventure.

So why do we keep carving things

to fit a shape they never asked for?

When I press too deep into a  multitude,

into a relationship , into a epoxy resin ,

am I plundering it,

or am I only improving it?

By dissection, is it exploring something new,

Or is destroying things to discover anew.

There was a time I believed all words were meant to heal.

Even rebuke felt like a ladder I could carry

without cutting my hands. But then I spoke reprimands,

and it did not sound like encouragement, but like being nailed on the cross,

echoing in the hollow of my chest.

Beauty could mean hugs and flowers,

the kind that makes eyes sparkle and never steal a smile,

but I saw it once in a bashing rain, wild and unshaped,

and I knew then that beauty could also mean lightning and thunder.

So why do we keep carving things

to fit a shape they never asked for?

When I press too deep into an activity,

into a valley of sorts, or into a mountain of thoughts,

am I seeking the eternal truth,

or am I only circling within my realm of knowledge?

By dissection, is it painful to take the first step ,

Or is it relieving to have pursued till the end and freed. 

I leave it to you to decide who wrote which! 

Help by Shel Silverstein

But a unicorn with his horn stuck in a tree,
Cryin’, “Someone please help me before it‘s too late.”
I hollered, “I’ll free you.” He hollered back, “Wait--
How much will it hurt? How long will it take?
Are you sure that my horn will not scratch, bend, or break?
How hard will you pull? How much must I pay?
Must you do it right now or is Wednesday okay?
Have you done this before? Do you have the right tools?
Have you graduated from horn-savin’ school?
Will I owe you a favor? And what will it be?
Do you promise that you will not damage the tree?
Should I close my eyes? Should I sit down or stand?
Do you have insurance? Have you washed your hands?
And after you free me--tell me what then?
Can you guarantee I won’t get stuck again?
Tell me when. Tell me how.
Tell me why. Tell me where….”
I guess that he’s still sittin’ there