Had a early morning wake up. My first thought of the day was, "What is the purpose of my life? What should I be doing instead of rambling and loitering across like this? It's like cattle grazing - I try this, I try that to eventually not get deeper into anything. This seems so characteristic of me that I find it completely impossible to focus on one thing and make remarkable progress in a direction."
Then came thoughts about the recent backbite - the harshest of them all. I am thankful for the backbite in 2019, as the undercurrents of this river seems bearable as I have crossed that stream. While I can be thankful, I am left with a lingering question - what do backbites serve? What is the purpose of this in the first place?
To evade these thoughts, I begin binge watching - tried movies and closed up, tried some YT and closed up, then tried HeartBeat and completed 4 episodes. Well, it was early morning by that time and had to get to regular routine subsequently.
This had tired me ssso badly, so I hit the bed around 12. Was worried about an inevadable sleep, but I closed out all digital devices and it helped. I dozed off a bit, with an amla in hand. After a phenomenally long time, had a vivid dream - with 19-A RP Street as the venue.
I am seated on the floor in the kitchen, beside the cement bench that holds the pots of water. Food is being served and all three RP daughters are seated, only 1 attends with family. 1 beings provoking, and I silently munch my food. 1 keeps provoking with overpouring support and I maintain my silence. Frustrated, 1 beats her dress unsuccessfully. Later, 2 gets provoked and replies - a little while later I chide her, which is noticed by 1's heir.
I don't raise my head to see any of 1's family. This continues, and unsuccessful, 1 makes a loud remark and lies down on the bed in the hall, covering herself in bedsheet. I leave with my bags to CBE - nobody accompanies me. Initially I go to the town bus stand. With no bus in sight, I look at my watch and it is already 9PM. I decide to take the private bus and walk my way across through the alleys - and am not able to locate the bus stand.
As the alley is too dark, I walk through a housing quarters - well-painted, individual concrete houses scattered in all directions, but an enveloping circumference of common space/foyer with steps that raise up to the adjacent road. It was a sight to behold. I am multi-emotional: anxiety of finding the bus in time, awe of the housing colony/quarters, heaviness of the bag. I saw myself in aeriel view here and I look so energetic though. I spot someone (probably VNV) talking short strides in the foyer holding a baby, probably, attempting to make the baby sleep. As soon as he sees me, he enquires after me, invites me home. I walk into their home and spend a very little happy time there. Then, we walk together to find the bus aisle - I hear the sound of horn and follow it, to eventually, find the bus. Thankfully, the bus hadn't left and I board the bus.
With this dream, I woke up. I realize the need to be silent. If they make loud remarks and win, so be it. No amount of fighting, no amount of proving would help. Just remain silent. Atleast peace remains.
No comments:
Post a Comment