With Festering Anger, Dear God...

Dear God

I grew up listening to all Your sermons, decoded through various people in different parts of life. I have really really appreciated how they have framed my way of life and have held on to your various verses like the lifeline. 

"God is against the proud," You said. I hurt myself whenever pride passed by me.

"Love thy neighbour like you do yourself," You said. Regardless of how my neighbour loves hirself (going by this logic, that's how se should love hirself, isn't it?), I tried my hardest to love every neighbour like I did me - infact ,in a kinder tone.

"Kill yourself and follow me," You said. I try hard day in and day out to stay out of my ego zone, and try hard to be as fair as possible, in every single instance. 

"Love the God your Lord with all you have," You said. I tried hard to.

"Strive to live in my image," You said. I tried the hardest to do this - to escape from the mundanities of the mortal needs and trying to kill my desires as much as possible. 

"The spirit of the God are love, peace, joy, patience, calm, grace, goodwill, faith, abstinence," You said. I tried hard to instill these in me.

It is not an easy life. I have had teenage desires that I very compulsively protested against myself for. I have had dreams of my life that I very disappointedly carry like a yolk. 

All for the love, rather, fear of You.

Today, after experiencing so many insults by people that You allow to exist despite their several misbehaviours, I am wondering if I should really fear You? Aren't You the Mother You claim Yourself to be? As a mother, isn't it Your responsibility to correct people and communicate to hir when they astray? Shouldn't You be leading every single person - Didn't you claim that You are the shepherd who should be worried when even one of your sheep astrays? Didn't You claim that when one sheep astrays, You will leave the remaining 99 and go in search of the one lost? 

If You were even 1% of what You claim Yourself to be, why should I go through so much of torments for what the other people are?! Am I not abiding by Your word? Worse, the world is being built brick by brick, by the people who are diagonally opposite to what You have professed. When I ask this, You will stand Your fort with, "Oh, My Words are not just for this world. IT is for your afterlife too." My foot! Why am I supposed to give up my life for an after life. I clearly don't understand. For all the torments, I only avoided the tormentor and went about with my business. And You allowed the tormentor to intrude into my very privately private space? So, are You weaker than the tormentor? Are You not anything You claimed to be? What God are You, when You allow every Tom-Dick-and-Harry to exploit a few who abide by You, to their own interests? 

Today, I meet the teacher who commented my son to "be resilient, to take challenges as opportunities", without even knowing what he has been doing at school. Well, she goes overboard and asks him to stand out - should my son keep on talking about whatever he has been doing? Isn't that what You professed against? 

And the very family that tormented me endlessly is leading such a peaceful life. Even if they don't, how does it matter when I have gone through all that I have? Shouldn't You have stood fort and protected? Even a security guard protects and defends. Aren't You the mother? Can't You protect?

 You seem to be not bothered about Your own promises and claims. Pray tell me, why should I still stand by Your word?  Just because I know no other way to live - Shouldn't You have been careful what You claim about, given that You lure the person who trusts Your claims into a doorless pit?

Lastly, You are NOT my servant. But I am only holding You responsible based on ALL that You claimed yourself to be! Don't tell me that I haven't grown wiser so have misunderstood. When You take pride and credit for every accomplishment, shouldn't You take responsibility for my lackadaisical components.

PS: 

him+her == hir (common gender)

himself+herself == hirself

she+he == se

Whimsical 19: Kumki

 You are a kind and warmhearted tiny human, from whom I learn more than all my learnings in my previous life.

While you began Primary 1 at 7years, your class had a few trouble makers. First, you played with them, then realising their folly, distanced yourself from them rather gently. One of them, still treasured your friendship and would come to you for advise, help etc. When you were completing Primary 2, you gave him a good advise and he said he would miss you the succeeding year.

When you began Primary 3, he ran to you thanking you for being his role model, advisor and supporter and added, "Thanks to you, I'm now a class monitor. I'll try to be as good as you were last year". And you did follow-up with him that towards the end of term 2, you recounted his good natured leadership to me.

Your primary 3 class also had a trouble maker- like in all classes in all schools. He kept bullying you as the proud peacock of the class, as you were good at what you do. When I enquired how you responded to him, you replied in a matter of factly tone, "I'm not a proud peacock. So I know he wasn't referring to me, and didn't respond" I was dumbfounded.

Later, in the early part of term 2, you told that the teacher had shifted your seating arrangements and has requested you to sit alongside this troublemaker. You were also given an option to go back sitting with your friends when you felt like. But you persevered. Two weeks into this assignment, you narrated that this boys behaviour has changed greatly. Then one day you brought this sticker in your diary

You shared very happily that the troublemaker boy stuck this to your diary. My insides swelled with pride. You're the Kumki of your class.

Afternote: When I received the Term 2 report book, I was surprised to see your teacher's note that communicated: He should look at challenges as opportunities and be resilient. We walked together to school on the PTM day, and I recounted all the incidents until Term 2. We surprised her with all our narrations of how you related with your classmates and friends. I understood through the conversation that the teacher had made remarks based on chance encounters that she had assumed to be observations. 

Bingo! My Identity

 Since my childhood, I was grappling with the question of "Who am I?", envying every single person who was very confident of who they are to the extent that they claimed their identity. This question was so constantly nagging me that in a certain period of time, I used to define every person that I meet and encounter. This is how the conversation in my head would go:

"What could be this person thinking?"

 "I am XXXXX, I am the father/mother/son/daughter of yyy. I am a uuuuu by profession. I love to eat zzzz, and love the activity lllll...." 

"That is well known. Does a person always think about what they have and what they do? Do I think about this all the time?"

"Not really. Then, what would they be thinking?"

So goes the conversation long and deep within my thoughtpool.

I have been very very concerned about my identity in the longest run. Who am I? what is the purpose of my life? What am I good at?yada, yada....

In this quest, I try my hands at 1000 different things. I try to support worldly technological advancements, I try to uphold my filial duties, I try my hands at art and painting, I try my hands at coding, I try my hands at writing, I began to read a lot, I began cooking very ambitiously, I began baking, I build a lot of relationships - mind you, I deliberately "do unto others what I want to be done to myself". In all these, often the most ignored person is me. I torment myself by pushing harder.

Yet, I didn't succeed in discovering my identity. I envy every single person who confidently claim who they are and who have clarity in their purpose. 

Only recently do I realize that nobody can have a single identity, and "life" should flow like a river. We need to replenish ourselves (albeit without judging ourselves) and identity is evolving. that "one has to kill oneself and be born again recurrently"- holding on to a single identity forever means stagnant waters. And stagnant waters are stinky!