Dear God
I grew up listening to all Your sermons, decoded through various people in different parts of life. I have really really appreciated how they have framed my way of life and have held on to your various verses like the lifeline.
"God is against the proud," You said. I hurt myself whenever pride passed by me.
"Love thy neighbour like you do yourself," You said. Regardless of how my neighbour loves hirself (going by this logic, that's how se should love hirself, isn't it?), I tried my hardest to love every neighbour like I did me - infact ,in a kinder tone.
"Kill yourself and follow me," You said. I try hard day in and day out to stay out of my ego zone, and try hard to be as fair as possible, in every single instance.
"Love the God your Lord with all you have," You said. I tried hard to.
"Strive to live in my image," You said. I tried the hardest to do this - to escape from the mundanities of the mortal needs and trying to kill my desires as much as possible.
"The spirit of the God are love, peace, joy, patience, calm, grace, goodwill, faith, abstinence," You said. I tried hard to instill these in me.
It is not an easy life. I have had teenage desires that I very compulsively protested against myself for. I have had dreams of my life that I very disappointedly carry like a yolk.
All for the love, rather, fear of You.
Today, after experiencing so many insults by people that You allow to exist despite their several misbehaviours, I am wondering if I should really fear You? Aren't You the Mother You claim Yourself to be? As a mother, isn't it Your responsibility to correct people and communicate to hir when they astray? Shouldn't You be leading every single person - Didn't you claim that You are the shepherd who should be worried when even one of your sheep astrays? Didn't You claim that when one sheep astrays, You will leave the remaining 99 and go in search of the one lost?
If You were even 1% of what You claim Yourself to be, why should I go through so much of torments for what the other people are?! Am I not abiding by Your word? Worse, the world is being built brick by brick, by the people who are diagonally opposite to what You have professed. When I ask this, You will stand Your fort with, "Oh, My Words are not just for this world. IT is for your afterlife too." My foot! Why am I supposed to give up my life for an after life. I clearly don't understand. For all the torments, I only avoided the tormentor and went about with my business. And You allowed the tormentor to intrude into my very privately private space? So, are You weaker than the tormentor? Are You not anything You claimed to be? What God are You, when You allow every Tom-Dick-and-Harry to exploit a few who abide by You, to their own interests?
Today, I meet the teacher who commented my son to "be resilient, to take challenges as opportunities", without even knowing what he has been doing at school. Well, she goes overboard and asks him to stand out - should my son keep on talking about whatever he has been doing? Isn't that what You professed against?
And the very family that tormented me endlessly is leading such a peaceful life. Even if they don't, how does it matter when I have gone through all that I have? Shouldn't You have stood fort and protected? Even a security guard protects and defends. Aren't You the mother? Can't You protect?
You seem to be not bothered about Your own promises and claims. Pray tell me, why should I still stand by Your word? Just because I know no other way to live - Shouldn't You have been careful what You claim about, given that You lure the person who trusts Your claims into a doorless pit?
Lastly, You are NOT my servant. But I am only holding You responsible based on ALL that You claimed yourself to be! Don't tell me that I haven't grown wiser so have misunderstood. When You take pride and credit for every accomplishment, shouldn't You take responsibility for my lackadaisical components.
PS:
him+her == hir (common gender)
himself+herself == hirself
she+he == se
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